i'm slowly getting better. i don't cry over the breakup anymore. i guess that i'm just fresh out of tears, you could say. i dont understand why i love that guy so muchhh. maybe it was because he was my first boyfriend. in that case, all i need to do is date someone else and i guess i'd "fall" inlove with them too. or maybe it's because ...i dont know? i dont think he'll ever understand just how much he means to me. he means EVERYTHING to me. literally. i guess time heals everything. wait another month, i wont be crying, wont be thinking, wont be wanting anything anymore. it takes time to forget about someone that you've known AND been with for so long. its just a matter of time now. i love you still-

i thought that i wouldn't have to post up here again, but i can't help but to post here. I dont want to post on my xanga because certain people will read it and i dont like writing in my journal because it takes longer than typing. I want to talk to him and tell him all the things that i'm feeling... but im afraid to do so... so i guess i'll 'indirectly' say the things that i need to say here so i could feel better...

we broke up.

I guess that you could say that i saw it all coming but i expected myself to be stronger than this. Honestly, i don't know what to do anymore. Ever since we broke up i've been crying non-stop everyday. When we were together i didn't cry as much... now i've been sobbing about the breakup ever since. I've been trying to forget about everything that had ever happened between us by meeting new guys, setting up planned dates and things, and just being around friends. It's not working. I've been trying to act happy but that's not working either. I can't be with you because i can't forgive myself for doing what i did that night, and i dont think that i could forgive you either for following along even though you knew of my morals. It's hard because, my heart still beats for you. I wish i didn't love you this much or fall this deep. but i did. honestly, it has only been you that i've felt this way towards. I wish i wasn't so loyal. Then i wouldn't have fallen so deep and i wouldn't be hurting so much. The worst is when you e-mail or write or flirt with girls infront of me. i don't know if you're doing it on purpose or you do it so often that i just caught the several times that you did or whatnot. but it kills to see that i don't mean anything to you anymore and that you can still go on without me by your side. Especially the fact that you're talking to/emailing/testimonialing the one person that bothers me, her. I try to disregard all of it but it's so effing hard when it's so apparent. i feel like im pushing my body to it's limit. i haven't been eating much, i haven't been sleeping much, i've been crying excessively,  i've been drinking excessively, i plan to start smoking, i've been setting dates to go out with a bunch of guys & partying. This isn't me. I feel like i'm becoming a completely different person. and you. why make the promise that you won't smoke if you do? you're just breaking more and more promises. Then again... what does it matter right? we're not together anymore. okay, i think i'm done for now... i need to stop thinking of things.

i think that this will be the last time i post up here for a very long while.

i've decided to go back to xanga entries. But instead of public entries, i'm only writing private entries, so certain people don't read them.

especially him. &my cousin.

bye blogdrive, you've been such a listener, harhar.

the most awkwardest thing happened today.

actually, i really was avoiding the entire situation from the beginning. probably shouldn't have. so while me and him were walking today, we bump into his ex-girlfriend, a.k.a. my friend... well, me and her didn't talk. i pretended like i didn't see her the entire time. honestly, i wouldn't know what to talk about if i saw her.

even still. i didn't notice that it was her. it was funny because she walked ahead of us, and i was looking at her walking and for some reason i honestly did sense that she seemed familiar. it wasn't until he mentioned that it was her, that i actually knew that it was.

anyway, after he mentioned that it was her, he went on a little about how she's supposedly engaged again and all that shananigans. which is something i honestly don't give a shit about, and is something he shouldn't give a shit about either. but i guess it bothers him which is probably why he mentioned it. and after mentioning that, he didn't say a word to me while walking back to annex. even when we walked into annex, she went on in right after... anyway, he didn't say a word to me until she actually left....hrm

i don't know why it bothers me so much. but fuck, it really does bother me a whole lot. i dont know how, but i sense that he was much happier when he was with her. he even said it himself that she's a really fun girl to be around. and honestly, if none of the whack stuff had happened, he would still be with her. and it feels as though he still has feelings for her and it's NOT JUST IN MY HEAD. because i'm really good at sensing things, and really, i know what i'm talking about.

but fuck, i have enough things in my life that i need to worry about. i guess at the moment, i just feel really like... i don't even know. upset perhaps? confused? frustrated at everything?

man.. the worst thing is when he calls me, "BABY". fuck. i hate it when he calls me that. and he calls me that like 10000000 times a day. because it just reminds me of his ex-girlfriend every single time. because she says, "baby" so muchh. and whenever he calls me that, i just get reminded of her, and i feel like i'm her replacement or something. i hate that word, if i could, i would erase it from my memory and pretend that word had never existed.

infact, i would erase a lot of things from my memory.

i'm really stressed out these days.

i expect that he wouldn't stress me out anymore than i already am. Sometimes i think that i'm really really stupid. so fucking stupid. i dont know why i did it - oh wait, because i'm such an idiot, right? right. well there was the usual fight again yesterday. i left and went for a walk. then i decided to subway it home so i went back to the subway. for some reason, i thought that if i waited long enough, maybe i would be able to see him.. i dont know for what, it's not like i was going to talk to him anyway. but i ended up waiting for an hour at the station until some drunktard faggots cornered me n tried to talk to me.. anyway i left after that. i dont know. i guess i just wanted to see him one last time before i headed home.. so stupid.. i'm really stressed out these days. school/career is driving me nuts. my financial life is driving me nuts. my parents are driving me nuts. and he's driving me nuts too.

i can honestly say that peter at annex is more supportive and caring than my own fucking boyfriend. Whatever. i have better things to worry about.. i've spent enough of my time having to deal with this relationship. And honestly, i'm not going to spend any extra time and going out of my way to have to deal with it anymore. because really, there's more important things that i should look after. i feel so fragile these days, i cry about every fucking thing. i'd rather endure physical pain than emotional stress. it's driving me nuts, i feel like a psychopath, the things i think about. honestly, this year has been nothing but stress for me. i'll remember this. fuck 2006. fuck you, go fuck yourself you fucking year.

i miss binh. i know if she were here, she would really help me through everything and she can always make me laugh when i'm crying my eyes out... and she would take on half the stress that i need to take.. and she always knows how to cheer me up and say the right things to make me feel better.. she is honestly one of the truest truest friends that i've ever met in my life.. so greattt. i dont know if i can say the same about my own boyfriend.. he just adds on to the stress that i already need to handle. it feels like he cares more about making the relationship work than to actually care about me as a person. it feels like when i'm going through the worst in my life, i can't seem to count on him to be there for me or to make me feel better. that friday when i was crying my eyes out.. that was the first time that he was ever ever there for me. from what i remember. i guess it's my own fault for never telling him what goes on in my life. and i honestly don't know why i don't tell him. i guess it's because i feel that if i do tell him, he wouldn't be able to help me or make me feel better.

i think that i need to devote my time into thinking about the other aspects of my life. like seriously, fuck. i'm so fucking screwed. and i dont know what to do. FUCKKK.

i give up.

i'm tired of everything. i just want all of the stress to end. i want to stop crying over everything and anything. i miss the way he used to care and treat me like i meant everything in the world to him. i miss the way he used to be able to sense when i was feeling down and under the weather. i miss the times when he would randomly send me e-mails to check up on me and tell me how much he loved and missed me. i miss the times when he told me that he would always be there for me and that he didn't like to see me cry. i miss the times when he used to treat me like i was the best thing that had ever happened to him. he made me feel so important and special.

everything just feels to be so different now.

so i guess what it all comes down to in the end is that i "really brought it all upon myself". that really dug deep down inside. i dont think i could ever forget those words that he just threw out at me. it's bugging me now and when i repeat those words, i feel like crying my eyes out.. that really hurt and as much as i'm trying to just forget about it at the moment, i really can't. and i don't think i ever could..

i'm really upset.. but i can't do much about it. the only thing i could do is pretend it doesnt bother me and pretend like he didn't say it. pretend like everything's going to be okay and pretend that i'm happy. i just need to stop caring because the more that i do, the more it's just going to hurt in the end. really.. i brought it all upon myself. everything. from the day i met him, to the day i started to talk to him, to the day i decided to be with him, to the day i decided to be with him again. he's right. i brought it all onto myself. i'm just going to pretend like nothing happened.

everything's alright robin, just live your life.-